Author's Note: This is purely for fun and should not be connected to all the other LANCER Fanfics. Unlike my typical writing style, I will write this one purely for humor. Enjoy!
This fanfiction contains adult content and strong language! If you get in trouble, it's not my fault! This is not canon to the LANCER fanfic!
Chapter 1: Finding a Christmas Tree
2 miles out of the LANCER's house
"Do we have to get a real tree?" Scotty groaned, blowing a buildup of snowflakes on his face. Rampage, Dare and Scotty were trudging through snow, wearing light jackets, obviously unprepared for the blizzard.
"I'm cold." Scotty complained for the tenth time. "Chill resistant fabric my ass."
Ten minutes minus 10 degrees later
"Come on!" Dare chided, "It's only a small flurry! Wait until you see a winter at Bridgeport!"
Rampage trailed behind Scotty, whispering. "I get it. The Doc didn't suit him up in armor, she fused his genetics with a penguins!" Scotty smirked in response until Dare stopped.
"I think this might be the tree!"
"Dare, there are about ten thousand trees here and you're saying this is the one?!" There wasn't much about the tree, it was covered in snow, but the sun shone down on the lone tree. The wind whispered as if angels sang.
"I just know it!"
A crunching sound was heard as Rampage's prosthetic foot crushed the trunk and it toppled over, right on top of Scotty.
"Get....this....thing....off...me!" He said, in a muffled tone. Rampage grabbed the tree's branches, "I'm not taking this back myself you guys know."
Back at the LANCER's house
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT!" Lux shrieked at Wildcard, he held a bag of French Fried Onions. He flinched and dropped the bag. "Jesus Christ woman."
Lux was monitoring and capping off rations, insisting everyone eat the "traditional way"
"Yeah." She walked up to him, thrusting her finger straight on his sternum. He flinched again. "You must be a moron if you think I haven't noticed the gradual decline of the French Fried Onions!" She picked them up and set the bag back into the cupboard, where there was her stock full of food, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, mixes for stuffing and french fried onions, his secret love.
He held out his hand, trying to use the Force to call the bag to him.
"Go find some decorations, don't be a useless thing sitting there! If you want to make yourself useful, go peel potatoes!" She tossed one at him and he stared at it confused.
"You have one, genius." She said, annoyance heavy in her tone. Wildcard sarcastically glared at his kukri, strapped to his shoulder pad.
"I'M NOT PEELING A GODDAMN POTATO WITH MY PRECIOUS!"
What will happen next? Will Dare, Rampage and Scotty make it back? Will Wildcard survive Lux's reign of terror? Will I ever get used to my new contact lenses?
"What the hell's going on?" Lux and Wildcard both froze when the voice drifted into the military kitchen.
Vector looked over to see Lux doing something behind her back and Wildcard, peeling a potato with a chef's knife.
"About time you showed up!" Lux ranted on and on. She was dictating the entire kitchen and mess hall. "Shouldn't Heinrich be back? He should have gotten the turkey by now! We need to get it in the oven."
"Now you know what I've been through on a smaller scale." Wildcard muttered. He got a punch in the groin by Destiny in return. He doubled over, groaning. "You're lucky I forgot to put on my LANCER suit!"
"Shouldn't you take a break?" Vector asked Lux, the LANCER was bustling around faster than King James III's servants.
"Either, cook, help, or get the fuck out of my way. Tell Wildcard to go to the 402 and get these things." She tossed him a list that extended twenty inches long.
The base's entrance opened and gusts of wind and snow flew in. Dare, Rampage and Scotty, exhaused walked inside, hefting the Christmas tree.
"My face is frozen." Scotty panicked, "Must...defrost!" He grabbed a bar of soap and practically sprinted towards the hot showers.
Dare smiled, his brown hair was covered by centimeters of snow, yet he paid no attention.
"If it makes you guys happy, then get me this stuff from the 402 market!" Lux snapped, stirring cranberry sauce.
"That settles it." Scotty said, coming back in full armor and grabbing Wildcard's arm. He paid no attention, staring at the bag of french fried onions, as if he willed it to hover in his direction. "Lets go to the 402 market." Of couse, Lux watched the bag like a sentry gun, for even the slightest movement.
"Hey!" Wildcard retorted. "If you want to look like an ass, be my guest, but I'm okay where I am currently."
"Wildcard." Scotty tugged his shoulder, pointing at the french fried onions. "It's calling."
Dare just looked bored, so he spoke in the unintrested tone. "I'll drive the Stryker."
Chapter 2: The Shopping Spree
Dare climbed in the Stryker's driver seat, turning the key which had a snowman keychain attached. The engine coughed and hummed to life. The cabin was cold, as the APC had not been started all winter.
Wildcard and Scotty got in the back and the Stryker rumbled down the snow filled road.
"Holy..." Scotty's mouth draped open. "It's gigantic."
"It's a fucking mall! What did you expect?" Wildcard shot back.
"Uh we got a plan right?" Scotty perked up.
"You're the one who wanted to come here in the first place!"
"I got the list guys...." Scotty was cut off by their disappearance. One second they were standing near him, the next they disappeared without a trace. Even with his helmet, their tags had vanished.
Minutes later, he found himself in a perfume store, inspecting the bottles as if shampoo. "Would you like to try our newest scent?" A saleswoman asked, holding a bottle of purple liquid.
"No. Thanks." He stepped away from the woman who had stepped forward. "No! Don't!" Scotty's cries were drowned out as a mist hit him in the face, an overpowering scent filled his nostrils as he peered into a mirror which a pair of reddish eyes stared back.
"Are you intrested in-" The woman began.
"NO!" Scotty bolted out of the perfume shop as fast as he could.
Back at LANCER's House
"Anybody recall seeing a trail of blood leading to our house?" Vector asked, staring at the smears that led to the garage.
"You might want to check." Rampage replied, placing the pumpkin pie in the oven. Unlike the others, Rampage never pestered anyone, particularly Lux. Vector sighed walking in the garage which was cluttered with tools, minus the Stryker and Ernst with a peacock.
Ernst with a Peacock?
Ernst smiled, loading his mauser 98k and stepping on the bird posing like Captain Morgan.
"You do know what a turkey is right?"
"The one with the big colorful feathers?"
"No. That's a peacock." Vector replied, his expression grim.
"Lux will not be happy when she sees this." Ernst groaned.
"Bring a cup." Vector replied, walking back inside the warm house.
Back at the 402 market
Wildcard stared, drumming his fingers on the display glass. Not one knife behind the protective barrier was shorter than a foot. He had no idea where Scotty and Dare were, he'd just flag them on his HUD when he was ready. Until then, he enjoyed the freedom of browsing the array of bladed weapons. After all, it made sense to keep reserve knives, if his kukri broke.
Scotty was still fleeing the perfume crazed salesperson when he finally found Dare, buying things from the food area. He had three carts filled with things Scotty even doubted that they existed.
"Help you with what? You smell odd and is that lipstick?"
"WHAT?!" Scotty freaked, "That psycho girl put lipstick on me? I was hiding in the bathroom until I saw you and it was safe to come out."
"Either that, or your lips are a really bright color all the time. By the way, you seen Wildcard?"
"Yep." Both looked up to see him holding a large paper bag. "What is-" Dare started. Wildcard cut him off by shaking his head. Dare could only shake his head in disbelief.
"What's his thing?" Wildcard asked, curious.
"Uhhh." Scotty's eye caught sight of a familiar bottle moving in their direction. "Bathroom!" He sprinted off.
Wildcard cocked his head in confusion, "He went to the bathroom just now." Dare said, as if reading his thoughts.
There you guys go! Dare, Scotty and Wildcard are stuck in the 402
jungle market. New questions arise. Will Scotty ever lose the psycho saleswoman? What does Wildcard have in the paper bag? The only way to find out is to anticipate Chapter 3, which will be released later today. (I hope :D)'
Chapter 3: Turkey
"WE'RE BA-A-ACK!" Wildcard shouted. He strolled into the lounge where Rampage was lying. Scotty was behind him, rubbing his red eyes and saying something about his new fear of shopping centers. Dare was in the garage, carrying a dozen heavy boxes.
"How's the Christmas tree?"
"You should see it." Vector stepped next to Rampage, wiping his hands on a towel. "Sgt. Foley and the 75th decided to decorate it for us." His TACPAD beeped and he pressed it, keeping a finger on his ear.
"Colonel Vector here.....Sir?.....Acknowledged. Signing off." His face turned pale.
"Who was that?" Rampage sat up.
"Major General Randolph....He's joining us for Christmas Dinner."
kitchen Lux's lair
"THIS IS NOT A TURKEY! IT'S A PEACOCK!"
"What does a turkey look like?" Ernst asked, obviously confused.
"JUST LEAVE THE KITCHEN! Randolph's coming in a few hours and it looks like I went to the landfill and back!" Lux shouted, her veins becoming more prominent and her brown hair fell out of place. Ernst hurried out passing Wildcard who held the paper bag behind him. "Destiny-y-y-y-y!"
Lux spun around glaring at Wildcard who had changed into a formal uniform displaying rows upon rows of medals. It left her mouth handing from the brass pinned on his jacket. Wildcard had his mask off even, Luxey admitted that he looked really handsome.
"I brought you something!" He held a box in front of him. The same type where fiance's would present their ring. Lux opened her mouth, but nothing came out. He pried it open.
A bag of french fried onions.
"Aww. That's so sweet." Lux told Wildcard wrapping her arms and hugging him tightly. Marcus looked like he might puke, but he enjoyed the hug anyway.
At the Christmas Tree
"C'mon men!" Sgt. Foley. stood at the base of the christmas tree surrounded by his fellow Rangers.
"This is Christmas! The second most important holiday!"
"What's the first?" Dunn asked.
"The first is your mother's birthday! Now we need ornaments! Hunter 2-1! Think of something to put on this tree! Use those tiny pea sized brains!"
Hunter 2-1 decorating the tree? Uh-oh. And why is Wildard getting Lux french fried onions? Stay tuned!
Chapter 4: Guests
"We could use grenades!" A private perked up.
"We don't use grenades on a christmas tree!" Foley shot back.
"How about cookies?" Dunn suggested.
"Now that sounds sane." Foley calmed down. "RAMIREZ! Go bake us cookies for the tree!"
In Lux's lair
"Ain't it cute?" Wildcard asked.
"Where's everyone?" Vector asked, stepping in a room in his military attire. Unlike Wildcard, he had on his uniform, not the LANCER suit.
"No idea." Lux replied, "Crazy penguin hybrid probably went outside. What are you staring at Wildcard?"
"You know." Wildcard sarcastically replied.
"Can it you two. Wildcard, I'm surprised you and Dare haven't squabbled this week."
"I'm already planning. Besides, it's Christmas."
"Speaking of Christmas." Rampage inquired. "Why don't we get each other presents? I like the wrapping paper and what's inside."
Lux laughed, putting her hand on his shoulder. Wildcard tensed. "It's alright." He imagined a baby form of Rampage squealing and opening a box. It was cute but also quite disturbing.
Rampage nodded before walking outside.
In the living room
"Get your hands off of me!"
Lux slapped Wildcard's hands away from her. The other LANCER stopped. "What?"
"Normally you are threating to kill me if I take the bathroom for hours and now you're trying to be nice?"
Wildcard smiled, the dangerous kind. "I feel a bit more...grateful today."
"Right." Lux rolled her eyes. "If you don't wanna see me then go away!"
What is Wildcard doing? Will Randolph be surprised? Will foley stop using the Ramirez meme? Stay tuned!
"Fine then. Allow me to do something first!" Wildcard smiled, his evil grin again. With a swift motion he pulled her towards him and pressed his lips to hers. She was caught off guard, resisting at first then slipped her eyes closed. Finally they broke and she stared at him in shock.
"You..." Lux with tears in her eyes ran off into the hallway.
"Heinrich?" Wildcard called, he looked up to see a mistletoe hanging on the ceiling.
"Care to throw me into the fireplace and turn on maximum burn?"
Chapter 5 Dinnertime
A sound on the doorbell rang and Vector rushed to the door. He opened it to see Major General Randolph in his freshly pressed uniform with about a dozen other high ranking officers.
"Good evening Colonel. I hope the company won't bother you." He gestured to the officers.
"It's fine General. Dinner's about ready."
The door slid open and Lux quietly stepped inside. Wildcard was sitting on his bed, sharpening his knife on the edge of his armor.
"Marcus....listen, I'm really sorry."
"Sorry about what?" He paused moving to shut the door.
"I guess I wasn't ready for what was expected."
"I forgive you."
"Good." Lux strided up to him, wrapping her arms around his back and their lips met again. For a brief moment, both enjoyed it and Lux finally spoke. "Now we're even."
The LANCERs were still talking when Vector's COM rang.
The LANCER removed his Commando Mask, "Might I ask whom I'm speaking to?"
"Yes. It's Dr. Lancer."
"Ah." He relaxed, "What can I do for you doc?"
"Um. My lab got caught in an avalanche and I need a couple of your LANCERs to get me out."
"Consider it done."
"Thank you." The line went dead.
"I'm sorry to say this." Vector stood, catching all the present LANCERs and officers to him. "But, we need to take care of another problem. It'll take 10 minutes, dinner will be postponed." He mustered his happy self despite all the groaning at the table. "Anybody seen Wildcard or Lux?"
"Maybe in his room?" Dare replied.
"Good. You just volunteered yourself to get him and get Lancer out." Dare sighed in return. Vector then got up, leaving the hall to get Wildcard.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF JOHN SOAP MACTAVISH IS THIS!"
Everyone jumped at the shouting and stared awkwardly at the hall.
Vector stood in the doorway watching Wildcard and Lux kissing passionately in the back. The two broke instantly he began shouting.
"You shoulda locked the door." Wildcard snapped.
"You closed it, you should have locked it. Dumbass."
"While you two were making out. Lancer called asking you to help remove the avalanche she buried herself in from one of her freak experiments."
Wildcard had slipped on his thin coat. "Back into the frigid world."
"By the way." Vector added, "Dare's coming along."
"The penguin, human hybrid. Great."
In the minus fifty degree weather
"I'm dreeeaming of a whiteeee Christmassssss!" Scotty sang as he trudged through the snow in a much warmer coat.
"Me too." Wildcard replied, more annoyed than cheery.
"It's not that bad." Dare chided, walking through thigh deep snow as if it were nothing. "We're almost there anyway."
They walked to a building covered in ice and snow. "Great." Scotty groaned. "We're going to move that?"
"You are." Wildcard replied. He took out a chainsaw and revved it. "I got something to do."
"Can we use your knife?" Scotty asked, holding out his hand.
"I'M NOT CARVING A GODDAMN ICE CUBE WITH MY PRECIOUS!"
"Whatever." Dare called over. "I brought a few shovels."
Two hours later
"WOW." Wildcard stared at the steaming food set up on the table. "Better hope it doesn't vanish in ten seconds."
Dare, Scotty and Wildcard finally stepped back into the warm dining room of the home. Natalie Lancer came behind them not covered in snow at all. Dare had carried her the whole way.
On the table was a massive turkey filled to the brim with stuffing and sauces. A heap of mashed potatoes sat nearby along with green bean casserole with onions, cranberry sauce and turnips. Four large pumpkin pies were sitting on the table nearby with the seconds.
"Hello Natalie." Randolph called out. "Nice of you to join us."
"A pleasure." She replied.
"By the way." Dare leaned to Wildcard. "What did you make out of the ice cube?"
"You'll see." Wildcard smiled evilly, "I have it in the back."
Finally Dare settled in his dinner seat, Scotty sat next to Vector and Wildcard took one next to Lux. Randolph hit his spoon on a glass, everyone turned saluting.
"Oddly, this is one of the most bizarre occurances ever happening in human history. LANCERs, officers, a civilian and rangers. Lots of us have differences, perhaps we can find similarities, but we all have one thing in common. We're American. Except you Vector." Travis glared at him, but softened when he continued. "Most of us have families that were lost or are not with us now. Tonight, we are family. Merry Christmas and to America!"
"OORAH!" The Rangers shouted. Randolph smiled, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm very hungry. Let's dig in!" Everyone cheered and began attacking the food.
The turkey and mashed potatoes were instant hits, even Lancer took a slice and began devouring it when she found out that it tasted amazing. Lux simply poked at hers with her knife while Wildcard, next to her downed his in three bites finishing it with a loud belch. He leaned over grabbing the bowl of french fried onions, dumping the entire thing onto his plate. Lux stared at him in half amusement, half horror.
As the meal went on, there was no shortage of food. The LANCERs were able to have seconds and thirds.
Wildcard silently left the room and returned with something that left everyone, particularly Destiny jaw-dropping.
He hefted a six foot tall ice sculpture that replicated Lux almost perfectly. She smiled at him as he hefted the block near the pumpkin pies. "Where'd you get that?" She asked curiously, a smile breaking her face again.
"I have my methods." Wildcard smiled back.
Silver Team in unison leaned back, gorging on the pie and then tilting their heads back to down their brandy mugs. "Best! Christmas! EVER!" Ernst declared. "How about we do this next year?"